Rambles

I was always somewhat of a sensitive child. One of my earliest memories is of the time I swung the screen door open and accidentally gutted a toad that had been sunning itself on the porch. I cried uncontrollably for several days and was only consoled when my parents let me erect a small but tasteful memorial to the dearly departed.

As I said, sensitive. For a very long time after that I was afraid to open the screen door in the summer.

I mention this because I wasn't sure what the next Sad Tan blog should be about. The topics I had been tossing around ranged from the dread of trying to run in the city after sunset, to how to be prepared for severe/unsafe weather conditions on a bike, to the anxiousness of facing a Minnesota winter car-less. Yet every time I sat down and tried to type anything I couldn't. I couldn't because after a fair amount of reflection I realized those story ideas are just thinly veiled covers of the real theme I've been trying to understand my entire life. Maybe it started with the toad, or maybe the toad is just another symptom of my on going, never ending battle with sensitivity and fear.

It isn't so much that I hate winter, it's that winter brings my uneasiness--my fear-- to the forefront. It's cold. It's dark. It's dangerous. It's often unsafe... And before I know it I'm in the middle of a string of catastrophic thinking that leaves me sitting at home eating cheetos rather than risk the terror of going out a living life in the real world.

As I mentioned, sensitive.

I think fear--both of the unknown and the known-- keeps many people from achieving their goals. Keeps many from riding a bicycle. Keeps many from changing.

Well, I for one am done being conquered.

I'm riding through the winter and I'm running in the dark and I'm going to be published. I'm going to finally open the screen door without fear. I'm ready. Bring it.