"The Turtle Always Wins"

(words scrawled in the hallway of a popular Duluth brew-pub)

Really?

November 25th 5:00pm in Minneapolis:

38 degrees, raining, and rush hour traffic at a stand still.

Funny. As you can see my roads were clear.

In fact I made it home in under 1/2 an hour.

And you call me crazy for riding my bike in "conditions like this"?

LOOK AT YOURSELVES

"As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy... we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies... We must remember that... the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true."

-Stranger than Fiction

Wide Safe

This afternoon I decided to go to the Richfield Super Target on my bicycle. Usually I do everything possible to avoid big box stores when on two wheels. There are just too many cars, too much commotion, and too many pissed off mothers not paying attention. But this particular Target is so ridiculously easy to get to, and this November day was so ridiculously beautiful that there were no excuses. I hooked up the Tail Wagon and set out.

As the cashier rang up my purchases I realized shopping hungry has entirely different consequences when commuting. Namely, how the hell was I going to get all this home? I suppose someone with less character might put some of their purchases back but not me. I'd committed to my 3 things of cottage cheese, 5 lbs bag of tater tots and the host of canned yet delicious vegetables. It was time to follow through.

I was trying to count the exact number of big hills I'd have to creep up on the way home as I wheeled my cart up to my bike. There was a mother just locking up and getting her young daughter out of a similar wagon she pulled. The little girl looked at me, looked down at my wagon and then back at me.

"Who do you have in there?"

I said, "Just groceries today."

She thought for a moment. "Good idea. Good, good idea."

The mom smiled and said, "Come on honey. Time to go inside. Tell the nice lady to ride safe."

The little girl smiled and said, "Wide safe!!"

The trip home wasn't bad at all.

Decisions, decisions...

Here are my options for a new road bike. I've settled on getting the BH Cristal. It's affordable, fast, and you can't really go wrong with "Elegance with Attitude." But there is one problem. A fairly large problem. I can't decide what color!

Pink or Teal?

Help!

Eerily Accurate Forecast

Do you see it? That's right. This is a totally unaltered forecast from our friends at WCCO.

Better watch out. Sunday and Monday there is a high likelihood of "...... Low Confidence."

"Society seems noxious. I believe that against these baleful influences Nature is the antidote. Man comes out of the wrangle of the shop and office, and sees the sky and the woods, and is a man again. He not only quits the cabal, but he finds himself. But how few see the sky and the woods!"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Criminal Mass

Everyone needs to watch this movie:

http://www.blockbuster.com/browse/catalog/movieDetails/272289

It's called "Still We Ride"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgrDk_qNv90

Brings up some important "Us Vs. Them" issues.

Watch. Discuss. Think.

RecaP

Before I write any more declarative blogs about fear and courage, I'll go ahead and fill you in on what's been really happening the last month or so. Might make me seem less flighty... maybe not. Who knows.

1. I gave up Facebook... until my boyfriend went to Las Vegas for Interbike and I realized cyber stalking can be an effective and useful way to keep in touch and not be agonizingly lonely.

Pros: When I was actually able to avoid Facebook I really did feel better and more productive. The time spent scanning status updates and "liking" or commenting on various posts easily snowballs to astronomical lengths. Not to mention that my activities started to belong to me and only me, which gave them a Quality that is difficult to describe unless you've read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." Let's just say, whether you realize it or not, whoring out your daily activities on a social networking site cheapens them.

Cons: Since avoid Facebook felt so good I also started to avoid Twitter. And this blog. And emailing my Grandma. NOT COOL. Whether I want to admit it or not, we do live in a technologically based society and cutting yourself out totally can both isolate and hurt feelings. Sorry Grams. Email coming soon, I promise.

2. I sold my car and did not buy a new one.

Pros: Nearly too many to mention! I'm officially a member of the smug car-less elite and as such I get to say things like "it feels good to be a part of the solution and not the problem" and "oh, well, I don't even own a car" and "cars?? ew." It's fantastic! I was also able to pay off my bills and close out my credit cards. As of today I have no debt-- a zero balance in life-- and finally feel free. This month I used the money that would've gone toward car insurance, gas, and maintenance and bought tickets to the Guthrie Theater's production of A Christmas Carol. Not too shabby. Thus far I'm incredibly pleased with my decision.

Cons: "Thus far" is a key phrase. It is November. In Minnesota. And after November comes December and after December comes 3 months of subzero hell. No, it isn't impossible to get around on a bike (or public transportation) during that time, but it takes a lot of effort that I'm not particularly looking forward to.

3. I cut up and closed out my credit cards.

Pros: Paying ridiculously high APR's to big name corporations is both as logical and enjoyable as working long hours at a job you hate, cashing your paycheck, coming home, and lighting exactly 1/3 of it on fire. Oh wait, it's not "like" that it "is" that. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! IT'S A TRAP!

Cons: Last week I spent all my money on sushi and red wine and I don't get paid again until the 13th. Without credit cards there is no safety net for budgeting stupidity and frankly, a person can only live off canned soup and pickles for so long. So... if any of you have any leftovers... or spare canned goods just lying around I would love to take them off your hands. Please. God, I am so hungry.

In the meantime I'm considering activating a back up emergency credit card. Seems like a slippery slope.

So that's the long and the short of it. Change inspires more change. Now I know how limited-- how constricted I've become by chains that are both silly and easily broken I don't want to stop. I don't want to just give up Facebook and credit cards I want to give up fear. I want to give up weakness. I want to give up indecision.

Hopefully I'm on that road.

Rambles

I was always somewhat of a sensitive child. One of my earliest memories is of the time I swung the screen door open and accidentally gutted a toad that had been sunning itself on the porch. I cried uncontrollably for several days and was only consoled when my parents let me erect a small but tasteful memorial to the dearly departed.

As I said, sensitive. For a very long time after that I was afraid to open the screen door in the summer.

I mention this because I wasn't sure what the next Sad Tan blog should be about. The topics I had been tossing around ranged from the dread of trying to run in the city after sunset, to how to be prepared for severe/unsafe weather conditions on a bike, to the anxiousness of facing a Minnesota winter car-less. Yet every time I sat down and tried to type anything I couldn't. I couldn't because after a fair amount of reflection I realized those story ideas are just thinly veiled covers of the real theme I've been trying to understand my entire life. Maybe it started with the toad, or maybe the toad is just another symptom of my on going, never ending battle with sensitivity and fear.

It isn't so much that I hate winter, it's that winter brings my uneasiness--my fear-- to the forefront. It's cold. It's dark. It's dangerous. It's often unsafe... And before I know it I'm in the middle of a string of catastrophic thinking that leaves me sitting at home eating cheetos rather than risk the terror of going out a living life in the real world.

As I mentioned, sensitive.

I think fear--both of the unknown and the known-- keeps many people from achieving their goals. Keeps many from riding a bicycle. Keeps many from changing.

Well, I for one am done being conquered.

I'm riding through the winter and I'm running in the dark and I'm going to be published. I'm going to finally open the screen door without fear. I'm ready. Bring it.