The entertainment industry has taught me many valuable lessons over the years: All car crashes end with huge fireball explosions. Zombies don't run. And Zooey Deschanel always gets the guy no matter how flawed and hopelessly childish she acts.

The movie machine has also taught me that there can't be victory without a moment right in the middle of the story when the hero falters and can't possibly go on. No matter what the context, that moment suddenly puts everything into doubt-- all the hopes and dreams and good intentions that had been built up over the last hour and 12 minutes.

Right now, I'm in that moment and not feeling very optimistic about the outcome.

I've read all the books. Done the training exercises. Watched the ridiculously over-priced DVD's. And even scoured Youtube for the Pose/ Born to Run/ Barefoot running technique in action. And yet, I'm still not running pain-free.

The author of Born to Run had a similar hiccup. He spent months in Mexico following the elusive Tarahumara, learning their ways and watching their incredible skill first hand. He came home all jazzed to start running hundreds of miles and couldn't go farther than 3. His knee still hurt, his ankle skill hurt, his shins still hurt, blah blah blah.

The fact of the matter was, he thought he was practicing the new running methods he'd learned, but was really still plodding along like a 300 lbs bear. So he did what any successful writer who free-lances for Runner's World Magazine does. He hired the best trainer in the world, got all expenses covered, and was happy as a clam and running ultra-marathons in no time.

You may already see where this is headed.

I DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THE BEST TRAINER IN THE WORLD.

In fact, I don't even have access to the internet. I had to pay off the teenage manager at the Caribou Coffee next to my work and that's the only reason I'm online right now.

So I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I found something I love to do. Something that keeps me active in the winter. Something that lets me spend time with my dog. Something that makes me feel great... and yet is hurting me and I don't know how to fix it.

If only Zooey Deschanel were here to tell me what to do...

Winter Update

I haven't disappeared. I am still here. Just not writing as much. I guess it goes in phases.

The good news is that things are still good.

Last year I was flabbergasted when I signed up for one silly duathlon at the end of September and somehow within 2 months I had already signed up for a triathlon and a century. It's not that I'm a super athlete or missing any (or all) rational thinking skills, it's just that these events present themselves and naturally, simply fall into place. This year, when the same snowballing effect happened it was comforting--almost as if I didn't find the races, but the races found me.

The first one on the schedule is the Lincoln Half Marathon, held in my home town of Lincoln, Nebraska. The irony here is that I didn't run a single mile outdoors the entirety of the time I lived there. In fact, that's sort of the point. I've been very active for 2 years now, but I still have pangs that it isn't real and it won't last. This Half Marathon is a perfect way to go back to the place I was the weakest and close the chapter on that portion of my life. Run through those streets I know so well and finally know for a fact: This is the new me and she is here to stay.

Part of the earlier training schedule has meant regularly running outside. I used to think winter running would be an absolute agony and frankly only something masochists found interesting. It has turned out to be nothing of the sort. It's quiet and serene, often shockingly beautiful and far from cold. Yak Tracks (sometimes called YakTrax) have helped immensely and I cannot speak highly enough of having them. Not only do I not slip on ice, but I don't really notice it at all. It's freed up every single running route I had thought was inaccessible.

I still have a long way to go and a lot of learning to do but I feel like I'm making head way.

Onward and upward!

"Let your boat of life be light, packed only with what you need; a homely home and simple pleasures. One or two friends worth the name. Someone to love and someone to love you. A cat, a dog, and a pipe or two. Enough to eat and enough to wear and a little more than enough to drink, for thirst is a dangerous thing... you will find the boat easier to pull then. And it will not be so liable to upset. And it will not matter so much if it does upset."

-Jerome K. Jerome, Three Men in a Boat (Not to Mention the Dog)

"My suspicion is that the effects of running are no extraordinary at all, but quite ordinary. It is the other states, all other feelings, that are peculiar, for they are an abnegation of the way you and I are intended to feel. As runners, I think we reach directly back along the endless chain of history. We experience what we would have felt had we lived ten thousand years ago, eating fruits, nuts, and vegetables and keeping our hearts and lungs and muscles fit by constant movement."

-The Complete Book of Running by James Fixx

To-Do

I've officially begun composing my 2010 To-Do list. It is not, I repeat NOT a list of New Year's Resolutions. Resolutions are meant to be abandoned. To-Do lists are meant to be accomplished.

And this is quite a big year coming up.

In 2008 I learned to ride a bike. I learned about hand signals and helmets and how important it is to roll up your jeans so they don't get caught in your bike chain making you fall like an idiot.

In 2009 I learned to race. I learned about spandex and gel packs and after much trial and error, how to be competitive without losing all your friends. I rode my first Century Ride (100 miles) in May, my first Triathlon in July, and my first Duathlon in September.

In 2010 I want to refine. And believe me, there is plenty of room for that. I need to learn the proper way to run. A technique that both conserves energy and drastically reduces the chance for injury. I need to better understand nutrition-- which foods give energy and strength-- and devise some sort of realistic and satisfying meal plan. I want to not only become proficient at changing a flat bike tire, but also begin to understand the machine in its entirety and learn how to better take care of it.

But most importantly (and where much of the refinement comes in) I want to do all of this without losing sight of how much fun it is. The positive momentum, the building of strength, the accomplishment of goals... it's amazing. And awe-inspiring. But most importantly it is fun. More to come soon (including the list!)

2009 Totals

I apologize that this picture is ridiculously small but it's the best I could do!

These are my 2009 "Bike 2 Benefits" totals. It's a program through Minneapolis Metro Transit that encourages alternate ways of getting around such as ride sharing, public transportation, and last but definitely not least: commuting via bike.

From March (when the snow and ice melted enough for me to ride my bicycle) to December (when the snow came back) I logged my miles to and from work and to and from my Pilates classes. That's it. I didn't track my grocery runs. My pub runs. My training rides. My competitions. Nothing except work and pilates.

I logged 2,358 miles.

Saved an estimated 116 gallons of gas.

Reduced CO2 in the air by 2,302 lbs.

And reduced 97lbs of pollution from the air.

And the most amazing thing of all is that it really wasn't that hard. A few miles a day. That's all.

Whether through this program or Map My Ride I hope to log it all in 2010 and see how far I can get.

It's going to be a very good year!

It was sad to not be able to visit family this year...

But making this guy was pretty awesome anyway :)

Born to Run

Recently the book "Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen" by Christopher McDougall was recommended to me.

I started reading it not because I am particularly adept at running, but because I am incredibly awkward at running. After a mile or two my right knee and hip flexor start to hurt, leaving me with an adorable limping gate. I always go with Evey but when she pulls on the leash I have to hunch over to regain control and to be honest, she can pull a lot. I also never wanted to put much money into a sport I might not get all that into and usually wear mismatched sweats and curry stained t-shirts.

That's right. What I'm trying to tell you is that I am the Quasimodo of amateur jogging.

So I started in on this book right away. These lost tribes who could run incredible distances--sometimes sprinting hundreds of miles obviously knew something I do not. I couldn't wait to dig into this fantastical side of history and maybe even discover a few techniques that could improve my modern form.

But then it hit me a few pages in, as I'm sure it hits most readers. This Christopher McDougall guy wasn't writing about an ancient race of superathletes, he's writing about a modern one. That lives in Mexico. At this very moment.

It was jarring. For whatever reason, it's a lot easier to swallow the notion of weird Herculean cultures living thousands of years ago than it is to believe they could exist today... especially when most people get out of breath walking from their car to their booth at Applebee's.

But there it was in well researched black and white. The Tarahumara not only run enormous distances but do so in the treacherous Copper Canyon.

No matter how implausible you believe the story itself to be, please continue reading. The pages that follow contain something much more valuable than a social studies lesson on indigenous cultures or training tips. The pages inspire. And they don't just inspire one to run they inspire all activity weather it be hiking, biking, swimming, whatever. The Tarahumara's secrets are not rocket science. They have just retained the knowledge that humans are creatures meant to be active and activity is, at its very core, fun. It feels good. And depression, anger, hatred-- it all falls away with the miles.

How could that be a bad thing?

Suffice to say, it is a very good winter read and comes highly recommended.

"I always start these events with very lofty goals, like I'm doing something special. And after a point of body deterioration, the goals get evaluated down to basically where I am now-- where the best I can hope for is to avoid throwing up on my shoes."

-Nuclear engineer and ultrarunner, Ephraim Romesberg sixty-five miles into the Badwater Ultramarathon

Tortoise v. Hare

As the ill conceived tattoo on my leg was meant to suggest, the story of the tortoise and the hare is not only a reoccurring theme in my life but also one that is very important to me.

The tortoise is slow. And dull. And round. He not only has no business winning races, he has no business competing in the first place. The impossibility of the task in front of him is reason enough to quit. The mockery and laughter of his peers is reason enough to quit. The ridiculous lead the hare has from the get go is reason enough to quit. And yet he doesn't. Ever. He continues on with steady determination and quiet resolve. That to me is quite beautiful.

This weekend I was lucky enough to attend a "Friendsgiving" feast to celebrate all who are near and dear. I hadn't formally met one of the attendees but was looking forward to talking with her. She recently returned from Greece where she ran in her first marathon.

That's right. She ran her first marathon... in Greece. You know, where the actual town of 'Marathon' is located. Where Pheidippides made his fabled journey across the countryside to announce Greek victory over Persia. Yeah. That place.

She said what an amazing experience the trip was and that she was planning to go back next year as a tour guide if anyone was interested in going/ competing/ cheering. I must've lit up like a light. The entire idea reeks of impossibility. A marathon? Really? Even the thought of a half marathon... 13.1 miles... is... well... ridiculous. The farthest I've ever gone is just about 6 miles but really when it comes down to it, that was more of a quick walk. There is just no way someone like me could ever have the stamina, the perseverance, or the courage to travel half way around the world and run in the footsteps of Greek Heroes.

Which is exactly why I am going to do it.

I hold no allusions of grandeur. I know what my body can and cannot do. So my goal--my hare-- is simply to finish... half of it.

And I will do that. Just wait and see.

"The Turtle Always Wins"

(words scrawled in the hallway of a popular Duluth brew-pub)

Really?

November 25th 5:00pm in Minneapolis:

38 degrees, raining, and rush hour traffic at a stand still.

Funny. As you can see my roads were clear.

In fact I made it home in under 1/2 an hour.

And you call me crazy for riding my bike in "conditions like this"?

LOOK AT YOURSELVES

"As Harold took a bite of Bavarian sugar cookie, he finally felt as if everything was going to be ok. Sometimes when we lose ourselves in fear and despair, in routine and constancy... we can thank God for Bavarian sugar cookies... We must remember that... the nuances, the anomalies, the subtleties, which we assume only accessorize our days, are effective for a much larger and nobler cause. They are here to save our lives. I know the idea seems strange, but I also know that it just so happens to be true."

-Stranger than Fiction

Wide Safe

This afternoon I decided to go to the Richfield Super Target on my bicycle. Usually I do everything possible to avoid big box stores when on two wheels. There are just too many cars, too much commotion, and too many pissed off mothers not paying attention. But this particular Target is so ridiculously easy to get to, and this November day was so ridiculously beautiful that there were no excuses. I hooked up the Tail Wagon and set out.

As the cashier rang up my purchases I realized shopping hungry has entirely different consequences when commuting. Namely, how the hell was I going to get all this home? I suppose someone with less character might put some of their purchases back but not me. I'd committed to my 3 things of cottage cheese, 5 lbs bag of tater tots and the host of canned yet delicious vegetables. It was time to follow through.

I was trying to count the exact number of big hills I'd have to creep up on the way home as I wheeled my cart up to my bike. There was a mother just locking up and getting her young daughter out of a similar wagon she pulled. The little girl looked at me, looked down at my wagon and then back at me.

"Who do you have in there?"

I said, "Just groceries today."

She thought for a moment. "Good idea. Good, good idea."

The mom smiled and said, "Come on honey. Time to go inside. Tell the nice lady to ride safe."

The little girl smiled and said, "Wide safe!!"

The trip home wasn't bad at all.

Decisions, decisions...

Here are my options for a new road bike. I've settled on getting the BH Cristal. It's affordable, fast, and you can't really go wrong with "Elegance with Attitude." But there is one problem. A fairly large problem. I can't decide what color!

Pink or Teal?

Help!

Eerily Accurate Forecast

Do you see it? That's right. This is a totally unaltered forecast from our friends at WCCO.

Better watch out. Sunday and Monday there is a high likelihood of "...... Low Confidence."

"Society seems noxious. I believe that against these baleful influences Nature is the antidote. Man comes out of the wrangle of the shop and office, and sees the sky and the woods, and is a man again. He not only quits the cabal, but he finds himself. But how few see the sky and the woods!"

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Criminal Mass

Everyone needs to watch this movie:

http://www.blockbuster.com/browse/catalog/movieDetails/272289

It's called "Still We Ride"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IgrDk_qNv90

Brings up some important "Us Vs. Them" issues.

Watch. Discuss. Think.

RecaP

Before I write any more declarative blogs about fear and courage, I'll go ahead and fill you in on what's been really happening the last month or so. Might make me seem less flighty... maybe not. Who knows.

1. I gave up Facebook... until my boyfriend went to Las Vegas for Interbike and I realized cyber stalking can be an effective and useful way to keep in touch and not be agonizingly lonely.

Pros: When I was actually able to avoid Facebook I really did feel better and more productive. The time spent scanning status updates and "liking" or commenting on various posts easily snowballs to astronomical lengths. Not to mention that my activities started to belong to me and only me, which gave them a Quality that is difficult to describe unless you've read "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance." Let's just say, whether you realize it or not, whoring out your daily activities on a social networking site cheapens them.

Cons: Since avoid Facebook felt so good I also started to avoid Twitter. And this blog. And emailing my Grandma. NOT COOL. Whether I want to admit it or not, we do live in a technologically based society and cutting yourself out totally can both isolate and hurt feelings. Sorry Grams. Email coming soon, I promise.

2. I sold my car and did not buy a new one.

Pros: Nearly too many to mention! I'm officially a member of the smug car-less elite and as such I get to say things like "it feels good to be a part of the solution and not the problem" and "oh, well, I don't even own a car" and "cars?? ew." It's fantastic! I was also able to pay off my bills and close out my credit cards. As of today I have no debt-- a zero balance in life-- and finally feel free. This month I used the money that would've gone toward car insurance, gas, and maintenance and bought tickets to the Guthrie Theater's production of A Christmas Carol. Not too shabby. Thus far I'm incredibly pleased with my decision.

Cons: "Thus far" is a key phrase. It is November. In Minnesota. And after November comes December and after December comes 3 months of subzero hell. No, it isn't impossible to get around on a bike (or public transportation) during that time, but it takes a lot of effort that I'm not particularly looking forward to.

3. I cut up and closed out my credit cards.

Pros: Paying ridiculously high APR's to big name corporations is both as logical and enjoyable as working long hours at a job you hate, cashing your paycheck, coming home, and lighting exactly 1/3 of it on fire. Oh wait, it's not "like" that it "is" that. GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN! IT'S A TRAP!

Cons: Last week I spent all my money on sushi and red wine and I don't get paid again until the 13th. Without credit cards there is no safety net for budgeting stupidity and frankly, a person can only live off canned soup and pickles for so long. So... if any of you have any leftovers... or spare canned goods just lying around I would love to take them off your hands. Please. God, I am so hungry.

In the meantime I'm considering activating a back up emergency credit card. Seems like a slippery slope.

So that's the long and the short of it. Change inspires more change. Now I know how limited-- how constricted I've become by chains that are both silly and easily broken I don't want to stop. I don't want to just give up Facebook and credit cards I want to give up fear. I want to give up weakness. I want to give up indecision.

Hopefully I'm on that road.

Rambles

I was always somewhat of a sensitive child. One of my earliest memories is of the time I swung the screen door open and accidentally gutted a toad that had been sunning itself on the porch. I cried uncontrollably for several days and was only consoled when my parents let me erect a small but tasteful memorial to the dearly departed.

As I said, sensitive. For a very long time after that I was afraid to open the screen door in the summer.

I mention this because I wasn't sure what the next Sad Tan blog should be about. The topics I had been tossing around ranged from the dread of trying to run in the city after sunset, to how to be prepared for severe/unsafe weather conditions on a bike, to the anxiousness of facing a Minnesota winter car-less. Yet every time I sat down and tried to type anything I couldn't. I couldn't because after a fair amount of reflection I realized those story ideas are just thinly veiled covers of the real theme I've been trying to understand my entire life. Maybe it started with the toad, or maybe the toad is just another symptom of my on going, never ending battle with sensitivity and fear.

It isn't so much that I hate winter, it's that winter brings my uneasiness--my fear-- to the forefront. It's cold. It's dark. It's dangerous. It's often unsafe... And before I know it I'm in the middle of a string of catastrophic thinking that leaves me sitting at home eating cheetos rather than risk the terror of going out a living life in the real world.

As I mentioned, sensitive.

I think fear--both of the unknown and the known-- keeps many people from achieving their goals. Keeps many from riding a bicycle. Keeps many from changing.

Well, I for one am done being conquered.

I'm riding through the winter and I'm running in the dark and I'm going to be published. I'm going to finally open the screen door without fear. I'm ready. Bring it.